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Learn the why
English has one "you." Hindi has three — आप (āp), तुम (tum), and तू (tū) — and the one you reach for is an instant, almost involuntary statement about exactly how close you are to the person in front of you and how high you hold them. For a heritage speaker who feels Hindi more than they can explain it, that split-second choice is where the freeze lives: pick wrong and you can sound cold to someone you love, or oddly stiff with someone you're meant to be easy with. The good news is that the choice follows a logic you can learn — and once you see it, the fear mostly dissolves.
Respect with a little distance — always safe with an elder, a stranger, or anyone you want to honour.
Warm and level — friends, cousins, a sibling, anyone you're relaxed and equal with.
Deepest closeness with someone you love — best friend, child, sweetheart, even God in a bhajan — but an insult aimed at a stranger.
Notice it isn’t just the pronoun that changes — the verb and the ending shift with it. That’s what makes the respect feel “built in.”
Tap whoever you’re talking to. You’ll get the register they expect, an honest note on where it varies, and the four lines above in that form.
Who are you speaking to?
Use आप (āp)
the respectful you
Almost always आप (āp) — the warm, safe respect default for any grandparent: आप कैसे हैं? (āp kaise haiṁ?). A rare few very casual families slip into तुम (tum), but आप is never too cold or stiff with elders, so it is the can't-go-wrong choice.
Saying it with आप
The pronoun is only the opening move — in Hindi the respect carries right through the verb, the auxiliary, and even the command form, so you commit to it three or four times a sentence. With आप (āp) everything goes honorific-plural: आप कैसे हैं? (āp kaise haiṁ?) "how are you?", and a request softens into the -इए imperative — बैठिए (baiṭhie) "please sit", जाइए (jāie) "please go". Drop to तुम (tum) and the auxiliary becomes हो and the verb ends in -o: तुम कैसे हो? (tum kaise ho?), बैठो (baiṭho), जाओ (jāo). तू (tū) is singular all the way down — auxiliary है, bare-stem commands बैठ (baiṭh) and जा (jā), and the adjective agrees with the listener's gender: तू कैसा है? (tū kaisā hai?) to a male, तू कैसी है? (tū kaisī hai?) to a female. You can't pick आप and then let the rest of the sentence relax; the respect has to run all the way through.
There's a whole courtesy culture compressed into the phrase पहले आप (pahle āp), literally "you first" — the old Lucknowi reflex of insisting the other person go, eat, or speak before you do. It's the same instinct behind defaulting to आप with anyone older, any stranger, or anyone you simply want to show you're not putting yourself above. For a diaspora speaker, this is the safe default worth burning into muscle memory: when in doubt, आप costs you nothing and offends no one. The only "risk" is sounding a touch formal with someone who was hoping for warmth — and that is a far gentler mistake than the reverse, which can actually sting.
तू (tū) is the hardest one, because it is honestly two opposite things at once. With a lifelong best friend, a sibling you grew up wrestling with, a partner, or a small child, तू is pure closeness — it says there's no distance left to perform, and across much of Delhi, Punjab, and Haryana friends तू each other all day with total affection. Aim that exact same तू at a stranger, a shopkeeper, or an elder you don't know, though, and it reads as contempt — you're denying them even basic standing. And it has a third life: in bhajans and prayer people address God as तू (तू ही है, tū hī hai, "it is You alone") — not disrespect but its opposite, the intimacy of someone who feels no distance from the divine. Same word; the relationship alone decides whether it lands as a hug or a slap.
None of this is fixed by a rulebook; it tracks the actual relationship and the moment, and it moves. The same two people can sit in आप through a formal introduction and slide into तुम once they've warmed up — and someone switching from आप to तुम with you is often a quiet signal of growing closeness (or, said sharply, of someone pulling rank). Families genuinely differ, and that's not you misremembering: in some homes children say आप to their parents out of respect, in others तुम because it feels warmer, and an older sibling might be आप in one family and तुम in another. So the honest answer to "which do I use?" is almost never a single word — it's "who is this person to you, and what does this moment call for?"
तुम to an aunty
To an aunty or any elder woman you don't know well, तुम lands as over-familiar, almost cheeky — as if you have forgotten she is senior to you. आप with the auxiliary हैं is the warm, respectful default, and no elder is ever offended by being given आप. (कैसी agrees with her being female.)
तू to a shopkeeper, thinking it is 'just casual'
तू is not a neutral 'casual' you — to a stranger or shopkeeper it is confrontational, like you are talking down to them or spoiling for an argument. तू is warmth only with close friends and little kids; with everyone else use आप and the -इए imperative: दिखाइए (show), सुनिए (listen), बैठिए (sit).
Icy, formal आप to your own best friend
Used on a close friend or sibling, आप sounds freezing — like you are furious or being sarcastic. With your own people तू is pure warmth (and तुम — तुम कहाँ जा रहे हो? — is the gentler middle option). Note तू takes है, and the verb agrees with the person you're talking to: जा रहा है to a guy, जा रही है to a girl.
Mixing आप with a तुम / तू verb
A classic heritage-speaker slip: the pronoun आप but a verb ending borrowed from तुम/तू — 'आप बैठो,' 'आप जाओ.' It sounds like you started polite and then slipped halfway. Keep the pronoun and the verb matched: आप → बैठिए / जाइए, तुम → बैठो / जाओ, तू → बैठ / जा.
It depends entirely on who you say it to — तू is not rude by itself. To a close friend, sibling, child, or partner, especially in Delhi, Punjab, and Haryana, तू (tū) is warm and intimate, the sign of a bond with no formality left. To a stranger, a shopkeeper, or an elder you don't know, that same तू comes across as insulting and dismissive. (It's even used lovingly for God in prayer — तू, tū.) The rule of thumb: तू only offends when it claims a closeness that isn't actually there, so if you're unsure with someone, don't reach for it.
Yes — in plenty of families children use तुम (tum) with their parents, and in plenty of others they use आप (āp). Both are completely normal; it genuinely comes down to how your own family does it. तुम with a parent feels warm and close, while आप feels respectful and a little more formal. The safest move is simply to match what you already hear your parents and relatives use with elders. What you'd rarely use with a parent is तू (tū) — in most families that lands as disrespectful, though a few very informal households in the north do use it affectionately.
Use आप (āp): आप कैसे हैं? (āp kaise haiṁ?) to a man, and आप कैसी हैं? (āp kaisī haiṁ?) to a woman — the हैं (haiṁ) is the respectful plural auxiliary, and कैसे / कैसी agrees with the person's gender. A natural, warm add-on is आप कैसे हैं? सब ठीक? (āp kaise haiṁ? sab ṭhīk?, "how are you? all well?"). With a friend you'd relax to तुम कैसे हो? (tum kaise ho?), and very casually to तू कैसा है? / तू कैसी है? (tū kaisā hai? / tū kaisī hai?).
Use आप (āp) for anyone older, anyone senior, and anyone you don't yet know — teachers, in-laws, a friend's parents, strangers. Use तुम (tum) for friends, cousins, younger people, and anyone you're comfortably familiar with but not formal toward. The grammar moves with the choice: आप takes हैं and the polite -इए command (बैठिए, baiṭhie, "please sit"), while तुम takes हो and the -o command (बैठो, baiṭho, "sit"), with the possessive तुम्हारा (tumhārā). When you genuinely can't tell, start with आप and let the other person's warmth pull you down to तुम.
A little, yes — among close friends constant आप (āp) can feel stiff, like you're holding them at arm's length, and many friends will tease you to switch to तुम (tum) or तू (tū). But it's a completely safe error: sounding slightly formal never insults anyone, while being too casual sometimes does. If you're a heritage speaker rebuilding your Hindi, defaulting to आप and loosening up as you get comfortable is exactly the right order in which to make your mistakes.
Use the आप (āp) form: आपकी बहुत याद आ रही है (āpkī bahut yād ā rahī hai) — literally "your memory is coming a lot," which is simply how Hindi says "I miss you." The आपकी (āpkī) keeps it respectful and affectionate at the same time. To a friend it becomes तुम्हारी बहुत याद आ रही है (tumhārī bahut yād ā rahī hai), and to someone you're very close to, तेरी बहुत याद आ रही है (terī bahut yād ā rahī hai). All three are warm — only the respect level changes.
Now the fun part — using it. Write a real message to an elder in the right register, or learn to read and type Devanagari yourself with our free trainer. No account needed to start.